Friday, June 09, 2006

An Oldie But Goodie: The Bill of No Rights

The following has apparently been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Georgia. It has been around for a long, long time. I remember seeing this when I was just a political science major in college some twenty years ago.


We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them. But, no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found and will gladly help anyone in need. But, we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice. But, from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or steal the property of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times. But, we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness -- which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Now before I get any comments popping off about how I'm insensitive or a fascist, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah, please undertand that I read this Bill of No Rights to be merely a social commentary on issues facing our country. And, I will admit, for the most part, I'm too busy laughing about it to have really considered whether anyone might be offended or whether I really care that they would be. If you find it amusing, I'm glad you enjoyed. If you are offended, then, you need to lighted up and quit taking everything so seriously. You might also want to consider that the displeasure you are suffering from is one of the occassional ill side-effects of the real First Amendment.


At June 12, 2006 9:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous Me said...

Frankly, can we get these appended to the originals?

Common sense is far too uncommon.

I may well steal, er, plagerize it, ya know. With credit where due, of course.


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